Still alive, for now.
I don't know what will happen in the future. I still visit on occasions, but I've little to nothing I can share with others here since I stepped away a few months ago.
Yes, the mind still races with constant thoughts and ideas. Presenting them in a way that others can view and understand is always the hardest part.
This constant flow of imagination... it typically supersedes most of what I think or do. And I know it's not normal. I still don't know what the answer is, though I've had a hunch or two.
Initially I thought it may have been related to the autism spectrum. I wanted to know for certain whether that was the case. But after testing I didn't fill all the criteria that would suggest even Asperger's, the higher-functioning end of the spectrum.
They did find details pointing to other things about me. Mood disorders, like major depression and at least two forms of anxiety. I didn't expect PTSD, though.
In any case, none of what they've seen really answered my main question. It feels like they stem from a central problem. Allegedly I'm of above-average intelligence, with a fairly decent knack in problem-solving. But I've often been seen as gullible and a bit eccentric. Perhaps I was naive as well, but I've learned over time not to trust other people.
My skepticism has developed incredibly well over the years. Sure, there are things that pique my interest or curiosity, but now it always raises the situation where I can feel some excitement, but no contentment. Honestly, I can't even remember the last time I felt genuinely happy.
Maybe that's why I hardly feel any drive to do anything anymore. No motivation to do or be anything.
Again, I don't know what will happen in the future. I'll still visit on occasions...
-- Malamite Ltd.