(I've tried to assemble my thoughts together as best I could when writing this, so please bear with me.)
I've been here on Deviant Art for quite a while. 12 years, it says. It's not the first art gallery I've made online, so I've been drawing and/or making things for much longer. It has been, at the very least, an amusing time-waster; it was an opportunity to show off personal ideas and concepts to others.
But I've recently begun to feel like that's exactly what it was -- a waste of time. An outlet for my mind that involved much more effort and care than it really merited. It was an experience to see people react to what I made, but even in the past I realized I've made a lot. Probably too much.
And ultimately, it's all worth nothing.
"... that actually has me thinking. you seem to bounce so much from character to character. "
Over the years I've been thinking up different worlds, different characters. At an alarming rate, some might say -- I'd come up with perhaps ten or more characters centered around an idea within the course of a month. A fair bit of thought was put into many of them... but it would eventually get nowhere. Metaphorically I put together the board and so many of the pieces, but I would never actually play the game. It happens so many times, and I'm not really sure what keeps it from actually starting. A number of factors could be mentioned -- lack of time, lack of motivation, attention diverted elsewhere...the list goes on. It could be one or, more likely, a combination of these sorts of things, but in the end it's the same result. I end up with nothing substantial.
Not that I feel like the ideas have really been that interesting. To a degree they've all been part of things that I find cool or fascinating. But I feel mostly alone in that aspect. Strangely the most popular images I've put up were just random things I quickly made from a silly sudden thought. Most of the images I spend a lot more time and effort on, especially the bizarre characters I make, never seem to be quite as popular. But again, that's most likely my fault for never really doing anything with them. Either that, or things aren't really as good as I think they are, at least from the public opinion.
But that's me. I don't frequently convey to everyone what's on my mind -- I don't feel like there's a need for it. My life has no relevance to anyone else here, as odds are we never see one another in person. It's that reason among others that I rarely mention what is happening to me in real life, including my current mood. People have their own lives to worry about -- they don't need to worry about mine.
"There are really more important problems."
With that said, I've been going through some issues recently that have been taxing my mind. My realizations of what little I really have to show for myself, and what little I can really do in general. I think in the past I've mentioned the uncertainty of my true mental status, making only educated assumptions of what I'm actually going through. Truly, there are a lot of things that may qualify, and if it's everything I'm guessing all at once, it's a huge mess. It's only recently that I've actively started to find out the real answer. And if the answer is true, my activities and thoughts...well, they'll be even less relevant than before, if one can even imagine.
It could explain how I end up making these characters at an incredible rate, how I tend to follow one train of thought or subject matter somewhat obsessively until the interest wanes and shifts to another... How I can think up complicated stories while at the same time am not really able to write or express them in a relevant way. How I can point out stupid little details in something, yet not initially understand it in a general view.
And, perhaps most notably, how I rarely seem to finish anything I start.
At this point I feel like I have to apologize to those who have been arduously following my creations and making your own things complimenting them. Considering I've spent too much of my time on my odd ideas, I've in effect wasted the time and efforts of a number of other people as well. You didn't really need to go along with them, and I almost feel like you shouldn't have. Granted, I don't know whether the activities have personally helped you, and if so then that's certainly a good thing. But when I feel like what I do keeps leading to a dead end it feels worse to think I've brought other people along for the ride. I will have let them down along with myself, and I'd rather just hurt my own feelings instead of hurting someone else's at the same time.
But hey, with the way I tend to say or express things I might be doing that anyway. I can't win. Or at least it never seems like I can.
I really don't know what happens now. I don't know where I'll be going from here, or what I'll be making in the near future...or even whether I'm going to be making anything anymore. If I do end up posting something somewhere, it's bound to be some meaningless mental burst that lasts for the moment, and not much else. Who knows, maybe I'll end up revisiting the ideas, or just here in general, because I might suddenly feel like that's what I want to do. I can't really tell anymore.
In any case, for those that have been viewing my creations up to now, I will at least say thank you. I never could understand why folks would follow me on a site where so many others have much more talent and capability than I do, but then again I can't seem to understand people in general...that's something else I'm hoping my future assessments will explain.
I just hope those don't end up a waste of my time too.
-- Malamite Ltd.